


This is what I thought I wanted (Why am I afraid?)

by LoserLife592



Series: my sword, my shield; my life, my dream [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: And they love him too, Character Study, Gen, I just have a lot of feeling about the Strawhat Pirates and how close they all are, Luffy is the embodiment of love and support, Luffy just loves his friends so much, Usopp is a 10/10 man, Usopp is a Brave Man of the Sea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 07:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19459483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoserLife592/pseuds/LoserLife592
Summary: “I’m a coward.” Usopp tries to argue. His bravado is faltering in the face of his Captain’s genuine words and kind eyes. In the face of his gentle and loving smile. His earnest expression.You’re the bravest man I know.Usopp shakes his head, wets his lips. “I’m scared of everything.”Luffy’s smile just grows, stretches across his face in a way that would hurt someone who wasn’t made of rubber. “Yeah,” he agrees, “And that’s why you’re so brave! No matter how scared you are, you still stand and fight beside us.”And Usopp, he wants to play it off. Make some quick and easy joke to try and dismiss the words and their effect on him. Something to make the lump in his throat go away and banish the wetness gathering in his eyes. Something to make it seem like those words, from this man, don’t mean the world to him.But he doesn’t.“Well how can I not when my Captain has put so much faith in me?”And Luffy just throws his head back and lets out a loud, happy laugh.





	This is what I thought I wanted (Why am I afraid?)

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Sink or Swim by Tyrone Wells
> 
> Song suggestions:  
> Ride by Twenty One Pilots  
> Polaroid by Imagine Dragons  
> Migraine by Twenty One Pilots  
> Glorious by Colony House  
> Get Up by Mother Mother

Usopp, Luffy thinks, is a liar.

Not because of his tall-tales or extreme exaggerations, no.

It’s because he repeatedly calls himself a coward. When in truth, he’s the bravest man Luffy’s ever met.

* * *

Usopp wants to be a brave.

He thinks that thought endlessly throughout his life. He thinks it as he tells Kaya wild and unbelievable tales. He thinks it as he plays captain and leads his small crew of kids. He thinks it as he runs through Syrup Village every morning, screaming and hollering gleefully as everyone shouts after him.

He thinks it as his mother lays dying in bed.

He thinks it as he listens to Klahadore belittle and dishonor his father.

He thinks it as he overhears a plot to slaughter at least half his entire village.

He thinks it as he gears up to face down an entire pirate crew in hopes of stopping them.

But the thing is, Usopp is a coward by nature.

His knees won’t stop shaking when he actually has to confront someone. His first instinct when faced with danger is to run the other way as fast as possible. And he’d gladly have someone else fight his battles for him for the rest of his life; only truly confident in himself when he knows that there’s someone else there to pick up all his slack.

Usopp wants to be a Brave Man of the Sea. He decides this and subsequently says it for the first time, hesitant and sheepish then loud and filled with false bravado.

He says it there, standing on the deck of the Going Merry. He says it in the middle of a raging storm as their ship tilts and wobbles but stays true to its course; destination set for the Grand Line. He says it while surrounded by his monstrous and brilliant crewmates. He says it as he listens to them proudly proclaim their dreams and ambitions to the world without a care, without a worry, without a doubt.

He says it because it’s his turn and he thinks—

_(He thinks of Chew. He thinks of the Arlong Pirates and what it was like to walk side by side with his friends, on their way to face down the strongest person in East Blue._

_He thinks of Nami, who had to live everyday of her life for 8 years with a monster’s mark on her skin. Who had to carry on with her life, living for not her freedom, but for the freedom of the people she loved. Who had to play nice with the thing that killed her mother._

_He thinks of Zoro, who stood face to face with his goal and let it cut him down just because he knew he couldn’t turn away. Who lay bleeding out and sobbing but still shouted out his dreams for all the world to hear. Who talked about his ambitions as if it was only a matter of time, not some impossible fantasy._

_He thinks of Sanji, who just joined but was already throwing himself in the line of fire for Luffy. For Nami. For people he didn’t know but knew he needed to protect because they were important to someone he cared for._

_He thinks of Luffy. Luffy, who is impossibly strong. Luffy, who is impossibly kind. Luffy, who will fight and die side by side with people he only just met because he saw the fire and hope in their eyes. Luffy, who loves as easily and freely as he laughs and breathes. Luffy, who has the most outrageous dream out of all of them but still chases it with such ease and surety. Luffy, who says that he’s fine dying for his dream because at least that means he dies trying._

_He thinks of how ready and willing he was to go up to these people and say that he’d tried his best but there was no way he could win. Say that there was no way any of them could win. But._

_But._

_But he remembers Nami’s face. Her eyes wide and insane. Her voice high and manic. Her hand clutched desperately around a knife that she drove over and over and over into her own skin._

_He remembers Luffy’s face, sure and reassuring, then dark and vengeful. His single-minded determination to absolutely destroy Arlong. To take him down for no other reason than because he made Nami cry._

_And he couldn’t, not for the life of him, actually muster up the courage inside of him to go and say to them that it was a given that he’d lose. To say that he fought his hardest when he’d given up from the get-go._

_And isn’t that the thing? He couldn’t be brave enough to be a coward._

_So he fought._

_And he won._

_They all won.)_

He says it because he thinks that on this ship, with these people, it might just be possible. It might actually happen.

But the thing about thinking you can be brave is that it hurts so much more when you’re actually weak. It’s a confidence shaking, self-esteem deflating blow to the stomach that knocks the breath out of you and sends you reeling for the ground.

He’d tried to be brave. He tried to fight on his own. Tried to fight to defend Merry.

And he lost. He got his ass beat half-dead and had to have his crewmates pick up the slack for him. And it’s one thing to be reassured that they’d be there to fight when you fall, and another to have them have to finish a fight that you started but couldn’t even participate in.

Their faith in him, their confidence in his abilities; it’s always been a heavy weight to carry. But in the wake of his utter defeat by the hands of the Franky Family, it feels like a crushing burden that’s caving him in.

He can’t stand it. Can’t bear to look at them. Not after this. Not after hearing them talking about replacing Merry.

So he runs like the coward he’s always been.

He runs and runs and runs so far that he ends up exactly where he started. With them. By their side. And he wants to stay. Wants to be able to stand with them and fight. Wants to be counted on and relied upon completely. Wants to actually be able to follow through with all of his bluster.

_“Everyone has something he can and cannot do… I’ll do whatever you cannot do and you do whatever I cannot do!”_

He wants them to teach him how to be as brave as them. How to stand on even playing field and face down the monsters that threaten the safety and happiness that encompasses their little bubble.

_“…If you manage to get there, you can surely rescue Robin-chan, Usopp!”_

And these kind, impossible people, they _do_.

Usopp was there to witness it when Zoro swore to beat Mihawk. Was there to hear him swear on his sword that he’d be the World’s Greatest Swordsman, not just for himself, but for Luffy. For his captain. For the future Pirate King.

And though he wasn’t there for all of them, Usopp knows that everyone on the crew has done close to the same thing. Bound and pledged themselves and their dreams entirely to the man that was to be their king. Sworn to accomplish their goals by his side or not at all.

And Usopp has done the same. Except it’s different. Because Usopp is completely and entirely sure that he _couldn’t_ accomplish his dreams if he wasn’t by Luffy’s side. Even if he wanted to.

Luffy, everyone, they make him _brave_. Make him want to be everything he ever lied about being. And their love, their care, their trust; it’s so _heavy_. But they make him want to be strong enough to carry it.

And he knows that’s not something he can find anywhere else.

* * *

Usopp, Luffy thinks, has long since accomplished his dream. He does it every time he fights. Every time his knees shake and his voice wobbles and thinks of running, but fights anyways.

He did it when he first set foot on Merry. He did it at Arlong Park when he stood, bruised and a bit bloody, and proclaimed loudly and with so much genuine, incredulous pride that he’d fought and won. He did it in Alabasta, when he tried to run but couldn’t make it past a few steps when he heard someone belittling his friend’s dream. He did it at Enies Lobby, hidden behind a mask but still there, still ready to put everything on the line to save Robin. He did it when he stepped out from behind his defenses and shouted loud over gunfire and battle, giving Luffy all that he needed to take down the last barrier between them and freedom.

Usopp accomplishes his dream every single time he wants to run but doesn’t. Every single time he steps up to do what needs to be done, no matter how scary.

Because Usopp is the most human of them all. The most scared and fearful. But he still fights.

And that, to Luffy, makes him the bravest person ever.


End file.
